Expectations

I am a people pleaser. When I think someone is unhappy with me my stomach is in knots and I just feel sick. The past 18 weeks have been no different because although my world has been turned upside down,I am still me. That desire to please everyone, especially those closest to me is still very present. It has been the biggest balancing act ever! I haven't wanted people to be worried about me or to be sad when I might not have even been sad myself, but I have wanted to be genuine with my feelings. I feel like some people have expected me to be sad all the time, while other's expect me to be constantly "strong" and begin to worry if I have a bad day. I feel like some people think the only emotion associated with Isaac is sadness. This is not true for me. He has and will bring me much joy, although I know much sadness will be involved as well. He is just as much my baby as Kadynce is and I love him so very much. I love it when people talk about him like a "normal" baby and don't focus on everything he has wrong.

I know some of you are probably thinking "my goodness, why does she worry so much about what other's think or say?". The truth is I know I shouldn't as much as I do, but that is just me. I think part of it is that I have wanted to handle this in the way that God will get the most glory. I have had so many people tell me how good of a witness I have been or how they have been impressed at my strength. That means so much to me, but it makes me wonder if I had handled things any differently or had not been "strong" would that have made me any less of a witness for the Lord?

A sweet friend told me not too long ago that if I wanted to run in the street naked I could and that she would not judge me because she has never been where I am and has no idea how she would react. Don't worry I have another dear friend that said under no circumstances would she let me do that :). This meant a lot to me though because she was acknowledging that since she has never been where I am, there is no way she will know how I feel. There have been days when people have told me they have no idea what to say to me, but they just wanted to let me know that they love me. That has meant the world to me.

I am scared and I am tired, but I am also very much looking forward to meeting our sweet Isaac. I really have no idea what the next couple of months (I am currently 33 weeks) are going to look like. I do know that God is good. While I will continue to try to handle each day as gracefully as I know how it is ok for me to be weak. I know that ultimately I will get through this because of the strength the Lord gives me, but that does not mean that I can't have bad or "weak" days. It is also ok for me to be happy and to "forget" about trisomy 13 from time to time and just enjoy my baby. I have family and friends that have helped me come to the realization that the Lord gives us others to lean on and to help us through the hard times. Trying to meet everyone's expectations is beginning to drain me. In the coming weeks I am going to have to focus on our immediate family and what is best for us. I know that everyone is not going to agree with every decision we make and it will be hard, but we're doing the best we know how.

Thank you so much to our faithful prayer warriors. We appreciate each one of you so much! Also thank you for the calls, text messages, and sweet cards full of encouragement. We feel very loved and blessed.