Sunday, November 18, 2012

Lydia Faith

5:30 am on August 16, 2012 after a night of tossing and turning with what I thought was heartburn, my water broke. It took a minute for what had just happened to sink in. After months of waiting. After a PICC line and 5 weeks of bed rest was it really time to meet the baby we had prayed so hard for? We'll never know for sure, but I believe that it was the combo of our friend Diana's delicious enchiladas and the pedicure my friend Valerie took me for that sent me into labor. Whatever it was, it was time and I was scared. Don't get me wrong I was incredibly excited, but I was so nervous and scared too. I wasn't worried about the actual labor and delivery. I was worried about Lydia. Did they miss anything on the sonogram? Will she be born healthy? I couldn't bear the thought of leaving that hospital without a baby again. We got to the hospital around 6:30. Several of the nurses made comments about how busy they were. They put me in triage and checked me. I was "only" 4 centimeters so they told me it might be a little while before they were able to get me into a room. Around 11:00 they finally got me into a room.

At this point I wasn't really in too much pain, but had told the nurse I was ready for my epidural whenever they could do it knowing that it sometimes takes a while for the anesthesiologist to get to the room. Just a little background info for those who care. I did not have an epidural with Kadynce, but did with Isaac for obvious reasons. I decided that since it had worked great with no complications during my labor with Isaac I would have one again. I won't go into detail to avoid scaring those that might want to have one some day, but let's just say that anymore babies that The Lord may bless us with will be born naturally. The epidural madness was over by noon and the most amazing nurse in the world world, Allison showed up to take care of me and help deliver Lydia. She took care of me when Isaac was born and then again when I went into preterm labor. She doesn't work on Thursdays, but they called her and she came in for me. Around 1:00 I was complete and Lydia Faith made her appearance at 1:15. I could not believe it when I saw her beautiful HEADFULL of DARK hair. She was a chunky monkey weighing in at 8 lbs 1 oz and 20.5 inches long. The most precious thing in the world. I was so happy and relieved that our sweet rainbow baby was finally here. I think I looked over every inch of her 100 times. I also asked the nurses and doctors over and over if she was ok and healthy. They assured me each time that she was. I think a little paranoia is normal after losing a baby the way we had. One of the most special moments was when my dad brought Kadynce in and she got to meet her baby sister for the first time. I'm pretty sure it was love at first sight. Just like she was with Isaac she didn't want anyone else to hold "her" baby. Both nights i was blessed with the sweetest nurse that continually stressed the importance of me getting rest and did whatever she could to make that happen. We were also blessed with lots of visitors that wanted to love on our new baby. We were able to come home on Saturday and everyone knows that's when the fun begins. I think the first two weeks after you have a baby is always hard. You're sore and tired. You and baby are both trying to figure each other out. You may have unexpected doctor's visits. The whole family is just trying to adjust to their new normal. All of this on top of very little sleep can make for some rough moments, but some of the most precious memories are made in those first few weeks and that seems to make up for the craziness of it all. From day one Lydia has been a very laid-back, easy going baby. We actually had to wake her up for the first 2 weeks to eat because she would just sleep and sleep and never fuss.

Lydia is now 3 months old and is the most amazing little blessing. She is developing her own little personality and I just LOVE it. She smiles just about anytime someone talks to her. She likes to try to talk back and if you stick your tongue out she'll copy you. She eats at about the same times every day. I didn't force this schedule on her she just kinda did it on her own. She usually eats around 8:00, 11:30, 2:30, 5:00, 8:00, and 10:30. Whether or not she wakes up to eat at night is hit or miss. We discovered that she's pretty cold natured so adding a layer to her clothes has helped her sleep longer. She sleeps in her "monkey seat" (rock and play sleeper) right beside me. She naps about 4 times a day, but it really varies depending on what we're doing because she loves to sleep in the car. We are so looking forward to the holidays with 2 sweet little girls.

Thursday, September 20, 2012


I'm back from my blogging haitus!  Our rainbow baby, Lydia Faith was born on August 16th.  She is just perfect and I fall more and more in love with her each day.  I promise to write more about her and her birth later, but today is all about another very special person in my life.  I've been asking, ok maybe begging my wonderful sister-in-law, Susan, to let me link up with Kelly's Korner on single's day for about a year now.  Guess what...she finally agreed so here it goes!

This is Susan...

Isn't she beautiful?  

I guess I'll start with some basic facts.  Susan was born in Dallas, TX, and grew up in Camp Verde, AZ.  She attended college at Union University in Jackson, TN where she got her bachelors in 2004 and later her masters in social work.  She still lives and works in Jackson, but would LOVE to live in Texas to be closer to her adorable neices.  Ok maybe I added that last part, but seriously she's said that moving is definitely not out of the question.

Susan is seriously one of the sweetest, most genuine people I know.  Her love for the Lord just radiates from her.  Her faith in Him and patience for His perfect timing is just incredible.  She is very involved in her church and has served in the children's ministry for years.  Family is something that is very important to her as well.  I will never forget how she drove all night when I went into labor with Isaac so she could be there to meet him.  She is a natural with children and babies.  Even dirty diapers and projectile spit up don't seem to intimidate her.  I love to watch her interact with both of our girls.  She has such a big servant's heart.  When visiting us this past weekend one of the first things she did was offer to help me clean or do anything around the house.  

 Now for some fun facts.  These aren't necessarily things she has said about herself, but what Jonathan and I have observed over the years:  One of Susan's favorite things to do is run.  Just this past year she completed her first marathon!  She loves to make and eat salsa and is an experimental cook.  She enjoys photography and exploring the outdoors. If you know Susan you know that she never hesitates to take new adventures - in her own town, random road trips across the country, or mission trips around the world.  She really loves and treasures her friends, and to this day still maintains strong friendships all around the country, even with people she grew up with as a child. There are a couple of things that you do need to be aware of about Susan, however. She can be a little silly sometimes and may bust out into random songs about the mullet she used to have as a 7 year old. And she barely knows about 3 chords on the guitar, just enough to almost compete with Phoebe in Friends. 

On a serious note, Susan is an unbelieveable woman. She loves and respects people genuinely, she never burns any bridges, and is looked up to among her peers. She is a servant-leader who has let her relationship with christ infiltrate her whole life. She knows who she is as a child of God, a woman, and is ready to fulfill the biblical model of wife and mother.

I asked Susan to tell me a little about what she was is looking for in a man and this is what she said:
"A man who strives to love the Lord & the church with all of his heart...but who also lives as a redeemed sinner, recognizing that imperfections, failures, and complete & total mess-ups are all part of the journey. Someone who is not afraid to dream big dreams/creative ways to minister to others. Developing a solid friendship is important.  Ability to laugh & find humor in the craziness of everyday life is huge. Some similar interests would be nice but having enough differences also keep it interesting. No requirements on hair (or lack thereof) and eye color...attraction is so relative and I trust will be there when it's right! Oh and yes, living in Texas would be an added bonus--haha!"

Monday, July 23, 2012

It all about choices... (link up at bottom)

"It's all about choices"  I can still hear my youth minister, Joel saying.  I believe I was blessed with the smartest, sweetest, and most fun youth ministers in the world.  I feel like so much of who I am today was shaped by their wisdom in how to teach young people to follow the Lord with their whole life.   Ok, just had to brag on them for a minute ;). Back to the point... Choices.  I have been thinking a lot lately about my feelings and emotions over the past 18 months or so.  So many people have commented on my strength or the fact that I have found joy and happiness in some very difficult circumstances.  I will always say that  first and foremost that strength and joy comes from the hope I have in Christ Jesus my Savior.  He is my rock and without Him, well I can't even imagine what life would be like.  But, at the same time, I am human.  When you're  laying in a sonogram room listening to the doctor tell you that your baby is "incompatible with life" the first feelings are naturally fear, anger, confusion, and sadness.  It was at that point that I knew I had a choice.  I could choose to focus on the joy that I knew could be found in this precious gift from the Lord, or I could choose to feel sorry for myself, withdrawal from society, and be sad all of the time.  I chose joy.  This doesn't mean that my heart wasn't completely broken or that I didn't cry many tears knowing that if I got to hold my baby at all it would only be for a short time.  This simply meant focusing on the positive rather than the sadness.  I knew that God had given us a gift and I wanted to enjoy that gift without any regrets.  I have had to remind myself of my decision frequently in this journey, especially at the beginning.  Like I said before it's not always the natural reaction.  Throughout my pregnancy with Isaac I enjoyed and treasured each and every little kick.  He would really be active if there was music playing.  I loved seeing his sweet little features on the sonograms.  I knew that things were not normal and he was very sick, but I was determined for those days to be sweet memories.  I knew that there was a chance it would be our only time to see him alive and I didn't want it to be full of sadness.  Kadynce got to go with us each time and I'll never forget her precious 18 month old voice saying "Isaacs!". I think I could write pages about the actual day he was born.  I don't think I have ever felt more love in my entire life.  That's all I wanted Isaac to experience and I believe he did.  So many prayers were answered that day.  He was born alive, moving, and making sweet noises.  He didn't ever seem to experience any pain.  I remember telling him over and over how beautiful and perfect he was.  Since Isaac's birth and death I have tried to continue to approach his life with the same attitude.  There was without a doubt a grieving process that I have gone through.  I think more than sadness it had to do with fear and worry.  Not wanting to lose another child.  Worrying about what the future would hold for our family.  That along with missing my baby made some days harder than others, but it was still so important to me for Isaac's life to be one remembered by love, happiness, and joy.

I decided to write about all of this for several reasons.  I hope that maybe it'll bring some clarity to those of you wondering if I'm in denial and just trying to suppress my true feelings.  Maybe it'll answer some questions about why I have approached things in the way I have.  These are both important, but what I really hope is that maybe someone reading this is facing a similar situation and they need to hear that they can choose joy!  It is all about choices and it is completely up to you :)

Wonderfully made link up:

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Birthday Celebration

Last Friday at my Doctor's appointment they told me I was still technically on modified bedrest, but that I could go out to eat, or even take short trips to the store as long as I stayed sitting down most of the time and was taking it easy.  I was so excited to hear this because it meant that I was going to be able to get out and celebrate Isaac's birthday like we had planned.  We had a wonderful two days of celebrating.

Sunday we went to Chili's (my favorite) for lunch and we shared a chocolate chip paradise pie.  It was delicious!

After lunch we went back to my parent's house for a little while.  This is how Kadynce gave us our card from my parents.

Inside the card it explained that Nana and Tata had decided to start sponsoring this sweet little boy named Isaac through Compassion in memory of our Isaac.  We are so excited about this and it means a lot to us!  

 This book is being donated to the preschool ministry at our church in memory of Isaac as well.  It is so neat.  It plays all of the classic children's bible songs. 
Monday we ate lunch at Homeslice Pizza.  It was so yummy!  The neatest part was that they brought Kadynce some pizza dough to play with while we were waiting on our food.  She thought it was the best thing ever!

Next, we headed to an old fashioned candy shop right across the street.  Little missy was absolutely in heaven.  She actually helped herself to a piece before we could stop her.  Shhhh don't tell anyone lol.

We let Kadynce pick out a stuffed animal to take to the hospital to give to a baby boy that was born on Monday.  She actually picked a doggy like the one my brother gave to Isaac at the hospital.  I put a card in the sack that told a little bit about Isaac and asked one of the nurses to pick a family to give it to.  I think this will be a fun tradition each year.  

That evening after dinner we all wrote notes to Isaac on a big blue balloon and then let it go outside.  After that we enjoyed a cookie cake just like the one my friend Whitney brought to the hospital last year.

Isaac's first birthday was a great day spent together as a family.  We wanted it to be a fun day for Kadynce as she remembers her little brother.  We talked a lot about heaven and Jesus.  While I know she doesn't fully grasp it all her child-like faith and sweet spirit is just so refreshing.  Thank you all so much for loving our little boy and for sharing in these precious moments with us.   

Monday, July 16, 2012

Happy Birthday Isaac and Link Up

Isaac Preston,
Happy 1st birthday my perfect, precious boy.  I can't even fathom the fun you are having celebrating in heaven.  There are no words to describe the joy you have brought your Daddy and I over the past year. Our arms may be empty, but our hearts are so full.  You have touched so many lives, sweet boy and we will continue to share you with anyone that will listen (and maybe even some that don't want to) for the rest of our lives.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about those wonderful 9 hours we got to spend holding you and kissing you.  I miss you more than you know.  Your big sister talks about you all the time.  She doesn't miss an opportunity to tell people about her little brother.  She talks about the day that we will all go to heaven and she says she's going to hold you. Mommy thinks about that day too :). Lord willing, you will soon have a little sister too.  We can't wait to tell her about you.  Happy Birthday again, my angel!
          I love you,

I wanted to share a slideshow with ya'll of Isaac's birth a year ago.  I thought this would be a good time to share some pictures that we never have before.

Isaac Preston Hunt - A Special Day from Jonathan & Kacie Hunt on Vimeo.

We already celebrated Isaac's birthday some yesterday and we are going to continue to do so today.  I'm really excited about spending the day enjoying our family.  I'm a very blessed mommy!

Today is also the Wonderfully Made Link Up.  Please link up if you have ever faced a negative prenatal diagnosis and be sure to encourage another family :)

Monday, July 9, 2012

Update and Link-Up

Due to things being a little out of sorts around here I have not gotten my weekly link up posted the last two weeks, but it's back today.  One week from today is Isaac's birthday.  I can't believe that it's almost been a year since I have kissed those sweet, chubby cheeks.  In some ways it seems like the blink of an eye, but in others it has been the longest year of my life.  We have been planning for a while to make next Monday a really special day, full of celebrating our precious boy.  We may not get to do everything I originally had planned due to me being a partial bed rest, but it will still be a wonderful day.

Things are going well around here.  I'm 33 weeks and 2 days.  Still no baby Lydia so that is a very good thing.  As long as I'm staying down like I'm supposed to I feel good.  If I start to overdo it at all the contractions start and it really scares me.  This baby still has some growing to do!  We have just been overwhelmed with the love and support we have received the past few weeks.  We have food being brought to us nearly every night and people are constantly checking in to see if we need someone to watch Kadynce, clean house, do laundry, etc.  My mom has been here almost every day basically "nesting" for me and getting ready for this baby girl to arrive.  Jonathan and my Daddy painted the nursery and it is just perfect.  I feel so unworthy, yet I am ever so grateful for everything. 

Below is the Wonderfully Made Link-Up for those of you that have had a negative prenatal diagnosis.  I am continually amazed at the encouragement I have found through other mommies that have been in a similar place in life.  I would love to hear your story and I'm sure others would as well!


Sunday, July 1, 2012

Big Scare and Bedrest

I'm so sorry I have been MIA for a little while. I have a good reason I promise :) This may be a little lengthy, but I want to remember everything that happened. Last Saturday, June 23rd started off as a normal Saturday. We got up early, went to some garage sale, the farmers market, and the mall. By the end of the morning I felt pretty uncomfortable, but who wouldn't be at 31 weeks pregnant walking around on a soon to be close to 100 degree day. When we got to the restaurant for lunch I noticed I was bleeding a little. It wasn't anything to make me very alarmed, but this was the first thing that happened when I went into labor with Isaac at 33 weeks.  I immediately called the on call doctor. She said just to be on the safe side and because of my history I should probably come on in to the hospital. None of us were very concerned since I wasn't really feeling any contractions. My Dad even said he was going to take my mom and Kadynce to the house and come right back and pick us up. Once I got to the hospital things took off pretty quickly. They put me on the monitor and once I got still and started paying attention I noticed I was having some "tightenings" that were coming pretty regularly. They started an IV in hopes that some hydration would make things better. In just a short amount of time these "tightenings" were becoming actual contractions and they were coming every 2-3 minutes. NOT GOOD! The Dr. came in and checked me and I was dilated 2 cm (when I first got there I was only 1 cm). They had also discovered that I had another UTI that was probably what triggered the contractions. She told me I was going to be staying a minimum of 3-4 days then immediately began giving the nurse orders. Steroids, magnesium sulfate, procardia, IV antibiotics. You see, I worked on a high risk antepartum unit for about 18 months. While I know this makes me far from an expert, I knew what those orders meant and I knew that they were pulling out all the stops to keep this baby from coming and to prepare her if she did.

This is where I started to lose it just a little. I went from enjoying a normal Saturday with my family to being in the hospital, getting pumped full of IVs (magnesium is NOT fun)trying to keep my 31 week baby inside. God is so good though because right then is when they informed me that my nurse was going to be the same one that was there the day Isaac was born. She is AMAZING! While that news made the tears flow harder they were tears of relief. This was to me the Lord reminding me that His hand was in all that was going on and he was going to take care of both me a Lydia. It took until about midnight, but my contractions finally spaced out and I hadn't dilated past 2 cm. After a long, sleepless night they were able to turn the medication off and I was able to get up and shower. I felt like a new woman. The next few days were pretty uneventful. They continued the IV antibiotics for the UTI while waiting for the culture to come back, finished my steroids to help develop Lydia's lungs, did 2 sonograms (Lydia wasn't doing the "practice breathing" on the first one which is fairly normal at 31 weeks), and discontinued my oral medication that was preventing contractions. When my culture came back saying that I could just take oral medication for the UTI and my contractions had not returned I was discharged home on bed/couch rest until 36 weeks. That was Tuesday night.

Whew.... that was a lot of information. I'm not going to pretend that this has been or is going to be easy. I have had my moments of feeling discouraged. After all we went through with Isaac all I want is a healthy baby. It's hard to understand why this pregnancy has been so difficult. On top of that I still have so much to do before Lydia gets here. I had pretty much completely cleared the calender in July and that was when we were supposed to do everything. Washing baby clothes, painting the nursery, sewing bedding, organizing closets, and making freezer meals were just a few of the things on my to do list. While this is not what I would have chosen I am so thankful for so much and I know this is a part of God's plan. He has shown me that over and over this past week. So many people have already helped us so much and we just can't say thank you enough. From people coming to the hospital, to those that have watched Kadynce, to the wonderful meals, to the prayers and encouragement. We have been blessed by you.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Wonderful Fathers and Link Up

The older I get, the more I realize how blessed I am to have such wonderful men in my life.  I don't know why the Lord chose to give them to me, but I am so thankful he did.  I'll start with my amazing Daddy.  He has always worked his tail off to provide for our family while still making quality time together a priority.  Something that I now realize is very difficult to balance.  I could go on for hours talking about all of the wonderful memories we have.  Just like it is now, you never knew what our Saturdays would hold.  From working together in the yard (code for playing in the sprinklers), to going to the movies, to spontaneous trips to Canton for first Monday Trade Days it was always family time and I LOVED that.  I don't think we ever had a summer that we didn't take a family vacation of some sort.  Disneyworld, Branson, Arlington, Myrtle Beach, and Colorado are just a few of the places we have visited.  We always drove and we still talk about how the road trip was part of what made the trips so much fun.  This was back in the day before portable DVD players so Dad would rig up a small TV and VCR so we could watch movies on the trip.  He says he can quote all of "Wild America" because we watched it so many times on the road.  My Daddy has taught me so much about life such as being respectful of other's time, the value of a penny, and never giving up.  He sure did set the bar high for the man I would some day marry by being such a good example of a Godly husband and father.  He is also the best Tata ever to Kadynce.  The way they play and play for hours makes this Mommy's heart swell with so much joy.  I love you Daddy!

Of course my Dad would not be the man he is without the influence of my incredible Granddaddy.  You see, I was his only girl and I loved being his girl.  He taught me to fish, shoot guns, and drive a standard WAY before I was 16.  Some may say I'm stubborn and they blame it on "those Cummings genes" but I say we just know what we want ;)  I love watching Granddaddy with Kadynce.  It seems like just yesterday that I was the one he was carrying around getting into some sort of trouble lol.  I love you Granddaddy.

Kadynce also has 3 great-grandfathers in heaven waiting to meet us some day.  While I have never had the chance to meet them I am so thankful for the legacy that they have left.  All 3 of them were Godly men that cared so much for their family and instilled values that are still showing today.

Last, but not least is my amazing husband.  I am actually going to write a special post just for him very soon.  I am so thankful for the Daddy he is to our babies and the husband he is to me.  So many days I feel blessed beyond words.  I am thankful for his Dad as well because I know he set a great example.

Please link up below for this week's Wonderfully Made Link Up.  This is for any of you that have had or are currently facing a negative prenatal diagnosis.  To read our Isaac's story click the link above.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Rainbow Baby and Wonderfully Made Link

If you had asked me a little over a year ago what a "rainbow baby" was I probably would have looked at you like you were crazy.  I would have had no clue what it meant.  Once we learned that Isaac had Trisomy 13 and would more than likely not live long I began to see this term quit often.  When a family had healthy child after an infant loss they many time referred to them as a "rainbow baby."  I found this definition on by a mom named Courtney and I thought it was perfect.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

As most you of know we are expecting our "rainbow baby" in a few short months.  I didn't know it was possible to be so excited, yet so nervous at the same time.  We have VBS this week at our church.  I distinctly remember sitting there last year discussing with some friends how I wanted Isaac's memorial service to be.  I remember talking about the songs I wanted played and how I wanted the room to look.  The thought of carrying a healthy baby seemed so far away, like a dream.  Would I want to be pregnant again quickly?  Would people think we were trying to replace Isaac.  Would I be strong enough emotionally?  I read so many stories of "rainbow babies" on different blogs and I think that is part of what carried me through.  Isaac will always be a part of our lives and our family.  I will think about him each day for the rest of my life.  But, Lord willing in about 11 weeks I have will have a sweet new baby to hold.  I just can't wait.

It is time for the weekly Wonderfully Made Link Up.  If you have ever had or are currently carrying a baby with a negative prenatal diagnosis please link up here.  Your story may be just what someone else needs to hear!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A little late - Wonderfully Made Link

I apologize that I'm a day late posting my Wonderfully Made Link this week.  We arrived in Colorado for vacation yesterday and I just didn't have time to get it up.  I hope you all are having a wonderful week so far.  In case you're new to my blog, this weekly link up is for those of you that have ever had a negative prenatal diagnosis.  Our son, Isaac had trisomy 13 and was born last July at 33 weeks.  He lived for about 2 hours.  You can learn more about him by clicking the link above or watching the video to the right.  My hope is to create a community of support and encouragement for those that are on a similar journey.  Whether you are currently expecting or faced this many years ago this link up is for you.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Arizona Adventures

2 weeks ago we boarded a plane and headed to Arizona to visit Jonathan's parents for a few days. We all had a great time and we are so thankful to Granddad and Grandma for making the trip possible. Here are just a few pics from the trip.

Kadynce in front of the very first airplane she's ever ridden.

Ready to take off. She did AMAZING on the plane. I would definitely recommend taking a carseat if you're flying with little ones. It's familiar to them and keeps them from wanting to crawl all over the place.

Our brave girl about to go down this very tall slide.

Kadynce loved helped Granddad water the plants. She also loved Riley, their big German Shepherd.

Kadynce and Grandma looking at the fish at the Aquarium.

I just love this picture. Oh to see things though the eyes of a child.

I'm pretty sure Kadynce rode every "ride" at both of the malls we went to. She really had a blast.

We also went to see "The Lorax" at the movie theater, we out to eat several times, went to church, had great home cooked meals, and Jonathan and I enjoyed a night out just the two of us. Thanks for the wonderful memories Granddad and Grandma!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Seasons and Wonderfully Made Link Up

I am a summer girl.  Christmas is my favorite time of year, but summertime comes in a VERY close second.  I love the long days, hours upon hours in the water, sun-kissed cheeks and shoulders, the smell of sunscreen, grilling out, baseball games, snowcones, and family vacations.  Really my list could go on and on.  Even with the insane Texas heat in late July and August I love it all.  I think another reason that I like this season so much is the memories that are attached.  Growing up summers were spent going to fun church activities during the week such as VBS, and various camps.  Then weekends were spent with family at the lake.  As I got older I looked forward to a break from school and going on many of fun youth trips.  The summer before my senior year Jonathan and I started dating and we spent a ton of time with our best friends that were also dating and are now married as well.  Lots and lots of wonderful memories.

This time last year I was carrying our sweet baby boy not knowing when or exactly how he would be born.  We didn't have any idea if he would even be born alive.  Isaac was born at 33 weeks on July 16th, right in the middle of the summer.  We had returned from our family vacation to Colorado 3 days before.  While the majority of my memories surrounding his birth are happy and joyful it was a very, very hard time as well.  While still pregnant I was scared and then after his birth I missed him so much.  I remember being in a fog for a long time after he was born.  It was kind of like an out of body experience.  Without Jonathan, my Mom, and some good friends I don't know what I would have done.

As this summer has been approaching I have naturally been excited, but it has been a little different too.  In the same way that a change of season can bring a flood of wonderful feelings, it can bring to surface the hard times as well.  It caught me off guard when I started experiencing some anxiety recently, but when thinking about it, it all makes sense.  I need to prepare for our Lydia that will be here in about 3 months, but I'm so hesitant to do so.  Last summer preparing for a baby meant making arrangements with the funeral home and picking out songs for his memorial service.  I get so scared that there was something that they missed on Lydia's sonograms or that they just couldn't bear to tell me that something is wrong this time too.  I know that's crazy and that they wouldn't do that so I try to get those thoughts out of my head quickly.  I am thankful for what this past year has taught me about anxiety.  Before, I would experience anxiety and just loose control because I didn't even realize that I was anxious.  Through everything that we've been through I've learned to recognize when I am anxious about something and calm myself down.  I know that worrying is not of the Lord and I need to cast all my cares on Him.

This is one of those moments I knew would come.  One where I am taken off guard and reminded of the lasting effects that losing a baby has had on me.  This is one of the times that I am thankful for the support I have both in those that have walked in these shoes and those that haven't.  This is what the weekly Wonderfully Made Link Up is for.  For people to connect and support one another.  Please link up if you are currently expecting or have ever had a baby with a negative prenatal diagnosis.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Our Week In Pics

We returned from a wonderful visit with Jonathan's parents in Arizona on Tuesday. I promise I'll write a whole post dedicated to just the trip, but for now here is a glance at our past week in pics.