Sunday, May 27, 2012

Seasons and Wonderfully Made Link Up

I am a summer girl.  Christmas is my favorite time of year, but summertime comes in a VERY close second.  I love the long days, hours upon hours in the water, sun-kissed cheeks and shoulders, the smell of sunscreen, grilling out, baseball games, snowcones, and family vacations.  Really my list could go on and on.  Even with the insane Texas heat in late July and August I love it all.  I think another reason that I like this season so much is the memories that are attached.  Growing up summers were spent going to fun church activities during the week such as VBS, and various camps.  Then weekends were spent with family at the lake.  As I got older I looked forward to a break from school and going on many of fun youth trips.  The summer before my senior year Jonathan and I started dating and we spent a ton of time with our best friends that were also dating and are now married as well.  Lots and lots of wonderful memories.

This time last year I was carrying our sweet baby boy not knowing when or exactly how he would be born.  We didn't have any idea if he would even be born alive.  Isaac was born at 33 weeks on July 16th, right in the middle of the summer.  We had returned from our family vacation to Colorado 3 days before.  While the majority of my memories surrounding his birth are happy and joyful it was a very, very hard time as well.  While still pregnant I was scared and then after his birth I missed him so much.  I remember being in a fog for a long time after he was born.  It was kind of like an out of body experience.  Without Jonathan, my Mom, and some good friends I don't know what I would have done.

As this summer has been approaching I have naturally been excited, but it has been a little different too.  In the same way that a change of season can bring a flood of wonderful feelings, it can bring to surface the hard times as well.  It caught me off guard when I started experiencing some anxiety recently, but when thinking about it, it all makes sense.  I need to prepare for our Lydia that will be here in about 3 months, but I'm so hesitant to do so.  Last summer preparing for a baby meant making arrangements with the funeral home and picking out songs for his memorial service.  I get so scared that there was something that they missed on Lydia's sonograms or that they just couldn't bear to tell me that something is wrong this time too.  I know that's crazy and that they wouldn't do that so I try to get those thoughts out of my head quickly.  I am thankful for what this past year has taught me about anxiety.  Before, I would experience anxiety and just loose control because I didn't even realize that I was anxious.  Through everything that we've been through I've learned to recognize when I am anxious about something and calm myself down.  I know that worrying is not of the Lord and I need to cast all my cares on Him.

This is one of those moments I knew would come.  One where I am taken off guard and reminded of the lasting effects that losing a baby has had on me.  This is one of the times that I am thankful for the support I have both in those that have walked in these shoes and those that haven't.  This is what the weekly Wonderfully Made Link Up is for.  For people to connect and support one another.  Please link up if you are currently expecting or have ever had a baby with a negative prenatal diagnosis.


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