I Am a "Boy Mom"

First and foremost I want to say I have the best friends and family.  It's not even noon on my 27th birthday and I feel overwhelmed with love.  Thank you all so much for being a part of my life and loving me so well.  I know this is a strange post to publish on my birthday, but it's been on my mind and actually got typed out last night.  So here it is.

*disclaimer: if any of you have said any of these things to me, please don't feel bad at all.  That's not what this post is about and my feelings have NOT been hurt by any of you :)

It starts off with a simple question.  "Are y'all going to try for a boy?"  Or sometimes even the statement "if you had a boy you would understand."  These words never hurt my feelings or make me angry with the person saying them.  After all, it's usually just the nature of small talk amongst young mommies.  Chat about our children, it's what we do.  The feelings that come about from the seemingly simple questions or statements are anything but simple for me.  I want to yell "I AM A BOY MOM" or "I DO HAVE A LITTLE BOY!"  Not out of anger with the poor unsuspecting person on the other end of the conversation.  Honestly though, a little out of anger about the situation in general.  Anger that my little boy isn't here showing me what being a "boy mom" is all about.  Sadness that his sisters don't have him here bugging them to pieces.  And simply because I'm proud to be Isaac's mommy and I want the world to know he's my son, my little boy.  I carried him in my womb for eight months.  We bought tiny blue clothes and soft blue blankets.  We named him.  I gave birth to him.  We held him in our arms for nine precious hours and in our hearts forever.  We bathed him with the help of his big sister.  We might not have had the honor to parent him like we would have hoped, but we do have a son.  I miss him, a lot.  Some days more than others, but not a day passes that my heart doesn't ache for just one more moment with him.  I don't dwell on the sadness and heartache, because even in those hard moments (that still come more frequently than most probably realize), I choose joy.  Yes, as I was discussing with some friends yesterday, joy is a choice and I choose it. I really do!  (Sometimes after a good cry ;))

I know this post isn't very deep and may even seem a little pointless, but it has been on my mind for a lot of reasons. As always I'm just trying to be transparent and let others in similar situations know they're not alone.  Losing a baby or child is hard.  It leaves a hole in your heart and in your family.  I wish my Isaac hadn't been sick and that he was here being a stinky two year old boy.  I wouldn't trade him for the world, though.  I would go back and do it all over again, pain and all.  He was and is my precious gift from God and I am so thankful for him.  I'm so incredibly blessed to be mommy to two beautiful girls and one handsome little BOY!