Empty Bassinet

I have wanted to have a big family for as long as I can remember. This is not something I talked about much to Jonathan as were we dating, engaged, or even first married. I mean I knew he wanted to have children too, but I felt like the issue of how many was something the Lord would work out and I just wasn't worried about it. I prayed that God would allow our desires to line up in that area. He did just that and they do. The number is unknown to us, but Jonathan and I both have the desire to have a large family by today's standards. I feel like this subject alone could be a post or two all by itself, but that isn't really what I want to talk about today.

All of that was said to say that without a doubt we desire to have more children. Because of that I naturally did not want to put the bassinet up after Kadynce grew out of it. I distinctly remember Jonathan asking me if I wanted him to put it in the attic and I told him "no, Lord willing we will have another baby sleeping in it before long." When we moved it was known that the bassinet went straight to our room. After all I was about 6 weeks pregnant and September 1st couldn't arrive soon enough so another sweet baby could sleep there. When we found out Isaac was sick I began putting anything we had for for him in the bassinet. It was somewhat of a makeshift nursery since we knew he probably wouldn't be with us for long. Each day I would look at his cute little outfits, blankets, and stuffed animals in anticipation of the day I would get to hold him and kiss his sweet cheeks.

Now, however the bassinet is empty. It is no longer full of blue things waiting for that special day to get here. That day already came and went in what seems like the blink of an eye. Where a sweet little baby should be laying, napping right now there is nothing. Looking at it hurts because it reminds me of what I don't have, but at the same time makes me smile because of what I did have for a few short hours. Not to mention the memories I have for a lifetime. Tomorrow Isaac would be one month old. I look at his pictures and realize it's hard for me to remember not knowing what that sweet chubby-cheeked face would look like. In a way I feel like each day gets harder and harder as it is further away from when he was in my arms and I miss him so very much. I so don't want him to be forgotten. At the same time the Lord gives me the strength I need to get through each new day. To take care of and enjoy Kadynce and to look forward to what he has planned for our future.

There are so many things I don't understand, but there is one thing that remains the same. God is good!