Yes, this is my definition of glamorous. This life that I'm living right now is all I've ever wanted. Having the privilege to stay home to raise our children. Using the couple of hours during nap time to catch up on laundry and my favorite shows. It's really a dream come true and most of the time my heart feels so full that I think it might burst. If I'm being honest though (and I am) there have been times recently that things haven't felt so glamorous, even by my standards. Friends moving away, losing jobs, facing infertility, finding out their cancer has relapsed. Not to mention the extremely fussy 18 month old that has been battling a cold and getting new teeth at the same time for what seems like forever. It just hasn't been a pretty month. Yesterday Jonathan came home to music blaring in the kitchen in my efforts to drown out the fit that was being thrown in the playroom. When he turned it down I went on a rant about how I hate that I'm limited to Christian music because I never know what's going to come on the other stations. (Sidenote: I love Christian music, but I love other genres too. Feel free to judge me.) I asked him if he would put together a playlist that the girls and I can both listen to and enjoy. My witty husband replied with "so basically you want me to make you a mixed tape?" I said "exactly! Isn't that supposed to be one of the biggest signs of love? Making someone a mixed tape." Then I burst into laughter as well as tears and fell into his arms because I was completely and utterly worn out from the day. The constant crying. The emotional roller coaster that our lives have recently become. Sometimes it seems like too much. I've lost my temper more than I care to admit. I haven't consistently been the example of a Godly wife and mother that I want to be for my girls. I've let fear and worry fill my mind and my heart. I've even eaten a few too many bowls of popcorn. All of that being said, I'm not going to beat myself up over any of this. I'm giving myself grace. Some seasons are more challenging than others. We've learned that very well over the past few years. This season is one in which I often close my eyes and imagine myself in Hawaii.
Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for all of my blessings. The fact that I have babies that cry when they need me. The pain I feel when a friend is hurting because they are like family. The heartbreak of saying goodbye since you love them so much. Someone once said to me that they just didn't want to develop close friendships anymore because people always move. I told her it's kind of like the saying "it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." When we become so invested in other's lives we feel their pain. If their heart is broken so is ours. If they move away it's like we're losing a piece of ourselves. That pain though, it's totally worth it for the joy and growth that those relationships bring. So here I am. Just going through the day to day hard stuff that many of you are facing as well. Sometimes wishing I could escape to a tropical paradise, but mostly just relishing in the fact that I really do love my glamorous life!
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