It all about choices... (link up at bottom)

"It's all about choices"  I can still hear my youth minister, Joel saying.  I believe I was blessed with the smartest, sweetest, and most fun youth ministers in the world.  I feel like so much of who I am today was shaped by their wisdom in how to teach young people to follow the Lord with their whole life.   Ok, just had to brag on them for a minute ;). Back to the point... Choices.  I have been thinking a lot lately about my feelings and emotions over the past 18 months or so.  So many people have commented on my strength or the fact that I have found joy and happiness in some very difficult circumstances.  I will always say that  first and foremost that strength and joy comes from the hope I have in Christ Jesus my Savior.  He is my rock and without Him, well I can't even imagine what life would be like.  But, at the same time, I am human.  When you're  laying in a sonogram room listening to the doctor tell you that your baby is "incompatible with life" the first feelings are naturally fear, anger, confusion, and sadness.  It was at that point that I knew I had a choice.  I could choose to focus on the joy that I knew could be found in this precious gift from the Lord, or I could choose to feel sorry for myself, withdrawal from society, and be sad all of the time.  I chose joy.  This doesn't mean that my heart wasn't completely broken or that I didn't cry many tears knowing that if I got to hold my baby at all it would only be for a short time.  This simply meant focusing on the positive rather than the sadness.  I knew that God had given us a gift and I wanted to enjoy that gift without any regrets.  I have had to remind myself of my decision frequently in this journey, especially at the beginning.  Like I said before it's not always the natural reaction.  Throughout my pregnancy with Isaac I enjoyed and treasured each and every little kick.  He would really be active if there was music playing.  I loved seeing his sweet little features on the sonograms.  I knew that things were not normal and he was very sick, but I was determined for those days to be sweet memories.  I knew that there was a chance it would be our only time to see him alive and I didn't want it to be full of sadness.  Kadynce got to go with us each time and I'll never forget her precious 18 month old voice saying "Isaacs!". I think I could write pages about the actual day he was born.  I don't think I have ever felt more love in my entire life.  That's all I wanted Isaac to experience and I believe he did.  So many prayers were answered that day.  He was born alive, moving, and making sweet noises.  He didn't ever seem to experience any pain.  I remember telling him over and over how beautiful and perfect he was.  Since Isaac's birth and death I have tried to continue to approach his life with the same attitude.  There was without a doubt a grieving process that I have gone through.  I think more than sadness it had to do with fear and worry.  Not wanting to lose another child.  Worrying about what the future would hold for our family.  That along with missing my baby made some days harder than others, but it was still so important to me for Isaac's life to be one remembered by love, happiness, and joy.

I decided to write about all of this for several reasons.  I hope that maybe it'll bring some clarity to those of you wondering if I'm in denial and just trying to suppress my true feelings.  Maybe it'll answer some questions about why I have approached things in the way I have.  These are both important, but what I really hope is that maybe someone reading this is facing a similar situation and they need to hear that they can choose joy!  It is all about choices and it is completely up to you :)

Wonderfully made link up: